Hi guys,
A bit of a sad day for me today, rereading this just took me back 2 years ago. But at the same time, there is a feeling of… not quite sure how to describe it…its like wonder/amazement tinged with pride, when I look back on the journey thus far.
3y3 Awurade na way3.
#IWalkWithYou
Have you ever felt a “great sorrow and unceasing anguish” *1 in your heart? Have you ever cried out to God, cried out so hard you fell back, limp and drained; almost lifeless even because there was nothing left with which to cry? I have.
I have felt like my life was over. Melodramatic? Maybe, but accurate.
I have never felt the pain and sorrow I felt when I was told about my son’s brain damage, and the attendant consequences. In that instant I truly felt that I would never be the same again.
All the dreams I’d had of a happy child who would teeter after me, clutch my hands with grubby toddler’s fingers after playing outside, a child who would garble unintelligibly until he learnt his first word, “mama”, came rushing at me in a non chronological manner. They rushed at me, attacking me viciously, till I wept for my poor vain heart, a heart that, like other human hearts, had planned with certainties and expectations of perfection. All I had ever prayed for was for my baby to be healthy. I never asked for “a boy, Lord, gimme a boy” or a “cute little girl” whose barely-covered scalp I would decorate like I would a Christmas tree; no, I only asked that my baby be healthy. In my vanity, I thought it was a done deal; after all, I was not asking for that much.
But God chose not to answer my prayer…at least, not in the way I had hoped. Instead, He did according to His plan, which I do not understand, because His ways are not my ways, nor are His thoughts my thoughts. *2 He gave me a not-so –healthy son, a son who may never be able to fulfill the dreams that I had had for him, but who is the most amazing little boy there ever was. He is a tough little kid, that one, and with the heart of a warrior.
Being Paapa’s mother has taught me major lessons; the most important ones being to trust in God, and to take each day, one step at a time. If you know me, you will know that that is probably the hardest thing for me to do: to just let someone else be in control, and to take things as they come. I have gained such strength, such awesome inner strength, more than I ever thought I was capable of, by watching my boy brave unbearable pain- countless injections, lumbar punctures, blood tests, thousands of IV drugs, physiotherapy- at only 6 months.
So though I do not know why He has done as He has, and though I may never understand why, I do know that He is watching His purpose out,*3 and I understand that what He will do is even more than what I prayed for. I understand that God has a plan for my son, a plan to give him a future and a hope *4 greater than anything I could have conceived or dreamt for him.
So instead of holding on to my dreams, and feeling crushed that they will not materialize, I have asked God to teach more about myself, to teach me other lessons. I have asked God to give me His dream…and to help me watch, and wait for Him to do His perfect will.
Maame Yaa Barnes
22/05/14
Notes
- Rom 9: 2
- Isaiah 55: 8-9
- MHB 812
- Jeremiah 29: 11
July 26, 2016 at 5:11 PM
Blessed by this. Keep trusting in God, He never disappoints, you’ll see
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July 26, 2016 at 6:26 PM
Yes. One day at a time… simply trusting His leading…to perfect us. Amen.
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July 26, 2016 at 8:42 PM
I’m in awe of God’s goodness and frankly a little embarrassed. I don’t praise Him as much as I should, instead, I demand demand demand. Thank you for showing me my stupidity. Bless you and yours. Love you with strong feelings my dear friend
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September 23, 2017 at 12:28 AM
strong feelings! lolest!
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July 26, 2016 at 9:46 PM
Am inspired by how Paapa is teaching us how to trust the Lord as the day goes by. HE understands our pain but they are part of his plans which will bring us to a successful end
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September 23, 2017 at 12:28 AM
Amen!
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July 27, 2016 at 3:07 AM
Mya dearest, Your heart has been though all the seasons of life in this short space of time. Your journal takes us on this privileged journey with you, tears, hope, laughter mixed up together as the cords of prayer bind us together. May His grace continually abound towards Paapa, Kweku and you. Blessings and Love, Mummy Star x
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September 23, 2017 at 12:27 AM
thank you Mummy Star! and Amen!
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July 27, 2016 at 3:56 PM
Maame am speechless. I havé hope a gain. Hmmmm
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September 23, 2017 at 12:27 AM
hope endures!
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January 23, 2017 at 7:25 PM
Maame Yaa – when I asked you to send me
your blog posts,I wasn’t expecting this…but your blog has put things in perspective for me. That in. every event in our lives we can find an opportunity to trust God through the pain, tears, laughter, excitement, disappointment or whatever emotion/feelings the event generates. Thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and strengths. Thank you for being willing to be so transparent…we need more of this…
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March 13, 2023 at 12:15 PM
Wow!. Maame Yaa. I feel like you already are in a place in your walk with God that most people can only aspire to. When I shared the message on “unanswered prayers” I didn’t realise that you already had deep insights into what the speaker shared about. I am amazed and in awe of you. You are a true reflection of God’s grace and strength. I thank God for bringing you into my life as I journey to walk closer with Him and mature in my love of the Father and His heart for me.
Paapa is indeed a blessing and you my friend are truly blessed and favored. We may never understand somethings on this side of eternity but one day we will understand in full if we hold on to simply trusting and obeying God our Father. The one who cares so much that He has numbered our hairs and holds our tears in a bottle. …… I could go on but just want to say thank you for sharing Sis.
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