Hi guys,

A bit of a sad day for me today, rereading this just took me back 2 years ago. But at the same time, there is a feeling of… not quite sure how to describe it…its like wonder/amazement tinged with pride, when I look back on the journey thus far.

3y3 Awurade na way3.

#IWalkWithYou

 

 

Have you ever felt a “great sorrow and unceasing anguish” *1 in your heart? Have you ever cried out to God, cried out so hard you fell back, limp and drained; almost lifeless even because there was nothing left with which to cry? I have.

I have felt like my life was over. Melodramatic? Maybe, but accurate.

I have never felt the pain and sorrow I felt when I was told about my son’s brain damage, and the attendant consequences. In that instant I truly felt that I would never be the same again.

All the dreams I’d had of a happy child who would teeter after me, clutch my hands with grubby toddler’s fingers after playing outside, a child who would garble unintelligibly until he learnt his first word, “mama”, came rushing at me in a non chronological manner. They rushed at me, attacking me viciously, till I wept for my poor vain heart, a heart that, like other human hearts, had planned with certainties and expectations of perfection. All I had ever prayed for was for my baby to be healthy. I never asked for “a boy, Lord, gimme a boy” or a “cute little girl” whose barely-covered scalp I would decorate like I would a Christmas tree; no, I only asked that my baby be healthy. In my vanity, I thought it was a done deal; after all, I was not asking for that much.

But God chose not to answer my prayer…at least, not in the way I had hoped. Instead, He did according to His plan, which I do not understand, because His ways are not my ways, nor are His thoughts my thoughts. *2 He gave me a not-so –healthy son, a son who may never be able to fulfill the dreams that I had had for him, but who is the most amazing little boy there ever was. He is a tough little kid, that one, and with the heart of a warrior.

Being Paapa’s mother has taught me major lessons; the most important ones being to trust in God, and to take each day, one step at a time. If you know me, you will know that that is probably the hardest thing for me to do: to just let someone else be in control, and to take things as they come. I have gained such strength, such awesome inner strength, more than I ever thought I was capable of, by watching my boy brave unbearable pain- countless injections, lumbar punctures, blood tests, thousands of IV drugs, physiotherapy- at only 6 months.

So though I do not know why He has done as He has, and though I may never understand why, I do know that He is watching His purpose out,*3 and I understand that what He will do is even more than what I prayed for. I understand that God has a plan for my son, a plan to give him a future and a hope *4 greater than anything I could have conceived or dreamt for him.

So instead of holding on to my dreams, and feeling crushed that they will not materialize, I have asked God to teach more about myself, to teach me other lessons. I have asked God to give me His dream…and to help me watch, and wait for Him to do His perfect will.

 

Maame Yaa Barnes

22/05/14

 

Notes

  1.  Rom 9: 2
  2. Isaiah 55: 8-9
  3. MHB 812
  4. Jeremiah 29: 11